I am the WORST parent ever!

I remember looking down at my infant son, entrusted to my care. My wife just left for her first weekend away as a mom. Panic started setting in. I stared at him and thought, “Am I really the best man for this job?”

Parenting comes with a healthy side of self-doubt. When we joke, “there isn’t a manual” sometimes we aren’t joking. We doubt because we know how important the job is.

1. Sacrifice everything. Too many parents give up every bit of themselves for their kids, for their jobs, for their spouses, or just because they are scared to say “no” to anyone.

The result? Your kids don’t get to see you taking care of yourself. They worry about you. They may even grow up to think that self-care is a luxury.

2. Go it alone. When is 1 + 1 less than 2? When you don’t work together. Squandering the power of teamwork is one of the biggest opportunity costs parents pay.

As an advocate for our future leaders (our kids), it is painful to watch a couple caught up in their own drama or fighting for control. Parents have one critical job: to raise healthy, secure, independent men and women.

Reprising the role that you grew up with can pull your eyes off the road and distract you from raising the kick-ass kids that we all need to lead the world.

On the other hand, the stability that two parents provide when they work together CANNOT be understated. Kids don’t really want to divide and conquer their parents. A united front is the start to every kids’ fantasy that their parents are bonded in love and will be together forever and ever.

3. Create a war zone. Kids need a safe space to chill out, be silly, get vulnerable, and share their fears, big or small.

If you want to make your home a war zone, you don’t have to make it physically dangerous. It can be socially or emotionally unsafe. Can everyone in your family rely on each other for support? In a war zone, you only can get your basic needs met. Are you allowed to be mad or sad or grouchy?

Creating a war zone can be as simple as denying your child’s feelings (“that’s silly”) or shutting your ears before they find the courage to open their heart fully. What would it take to remain open to hear what is really going on in your child’s life?

4. Ignore the strengths. It’s easy to be a critical parent. Why? Most of us hear a voice 24/7 that warns us, “Don’t do that.” “You’ll never finish in time.” And so on. It makes it easy to slip into negative talk.

The reason we hear that voice is similar to the reason we yell at our kids. Your inner voice works full-time to protect you from taking risks. And you use your parenting voice to protect your kids from harm.

The side-effect of bathing in all of that negativity is what you miss. If you are a full-time lifeguard, you never get to cheer on your child’s first dive. Don’t let your kids’ natural character strengths go unfertilized. They already need to wait until after the school day to strengthen their curiosity muscle (grrr, don’t get me started). Do you want all of your kids’ superpowers (gratitude, kindness, humor, honesty, courage) to atrophy from lack of use?

Dr. Robert Zeitlin is a Positive Psychologist, father of two kick-ass kids, lucky husband, and an advocate for all children.

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