The rise and fall emotion

Life is not level…

Tonight I wanted to write something of meaning, something that records, notes and anchors a few but poignant moments in my past 30+ days.

The detail behind these events will have to remain hidden, although some of you reading this may be able to pick out the events – thats ok I trust you with this information.

I have lacked confidence before, I have felt vulnerability and fear on many occasions but have never felt what it is to have a ‘Crisis of Confidence’. This was something totally new to me, something that consumed me and ate away at all that had and all that I knew. In the moment this was a time when I least trusted anything about myself, my value or my ability to contribute. I had nothing. Worse than that, I was an obstruction in the path of others. Not deliberate, just in that way, I could be done without….

In this moment I found everything hard, I found it hard to breath, speak and fought back a wish to cry. My mind fought with itself questioning everything from who I was, to what I was saying, doing and feeling. I very nearly ran from this. I contemplated escape, a journey to safety a quiet exist.

But for some reason I resisted, I existed, which in these terms was a success, as existing was far more than running away. Existing was staying put, sticking with it, riding it out. I used all that I had to breath, to be present by not in the way, to be of value but do nothing. Thankfully the crisis did not take over, I did find a path back and I returned to a ‘healthier’ space. Don’t ask me how, I guess I just didn’t run and the feelings subsided, but this is the closest I have ever come to throwing the towel in.

I have suffered with depression from being a teenager, maybe even younger. Back then it wouldn’t have been called that and for that reason I did’nt know what it was. At university I felt it most but was helped by a good friend who shared a method of getting this ‘thing’ out of my head and into the world around me so I could see it and work with it (thank you RW).

Since then I have been able to manage it, its there but not there. The worst often was that I felt nothing. Not sad, not happy, not angry or anxious, those I would have been happy with. Being apathetic and not really having a reason for the depression is hard going especially when people ask you why…. And your answer is:

You start to make up things or force yourself to blame things as people want to help but to help they want to know what it is thats causing it so they can take it away… it doesn’t work like that. At least not for me…

2 weeks ago I don’t know why but I hit rock bottom, it started early in the morning and like a slow creeping wave as the day went on it took over my body. From head to toe it consumed every part of me. I was paralysed with this thing. To the outside world functioning normally, even making contributions to conversations, meetings and decisions. little did people know that to say anything took everything. And each word was counted and recounted in my head, mulled over, contemplated, debated internally before it was shared. And shared with fear, fear of response, fear of it being ‘wrong’ out of place/misplaced. This feeling stuck with me all day.

I think the only way I got out of this state was by telling someone new about it. Someone new in my world, someone who seemed trust worthy with the news and someone who I considered would simply listen, not judge and not jump back in fear. This telling of my world was like releasing the beast and the weight was lifted. That night the wave began to pass and I rose in a better place.

Today I stood proud without fear (in front of 100 peers), I held self belief, I felt self worth, I had confidence. This I believe came from those around me, a collection of knowns and unknowns, people that have been in my world for a longtime and people I have just met. These people gave me something no one else could and something I couldn’t give myself.

They didn’t give me courage or confidence, this was an output of the experience. What these people did, was to simply be good people. Be kind, considerate, authentic, invested, supportive and with good intent. Seeing this in others put me on a high – rainbows are things you can touch and unicorns are real.

I thank you all who have been around me of late for the investment in me that you probably don’t know you have made…

I have been asked why do I write this stuff an put it out there. It’s because I have to, I have to for me, I have to for my sanity, I have to as once it’s written down, its no longer in my head, its no longer something to toil over, worry over, concern myself of, its a demon released, except now released its no longer a demon, its just words on a page, a record of my time a past experience which informs who I am but doesn't get to define me.

Am I worried what people, my peer particularly may think. The honest answer is NO. As those who are good people will think good things and will come to me with support and I will bring them near and offer my support to them. And those who think bad will drift from my thoughts and be gone…

Thank you for reading….

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